We began to wonder what it might be like to live with Donald Trump and concluded that he would probably be the worst uni flatmate imaginable. Here are some hypothetical reasons why:
1. Limited Cuisine Options
Fancy some Mexican food? In the mood for Caribbean? Curry tickling your fancy? Not in Donald’s flat – Western food (and people) only, please. He would probably ‘deport’ all your spices and curry sauces and fajita dinner kits (to the bin) while you slept and build a wall in your cupboards to make sure that if you bought any more, they wouldn’t fit. (And then he’d try make you pay for the wall).
2. No Straight Answers
Scenario: the bins are overflowing and you’re sick of being the only person in the flat who ever takes them out – so you pose your dear flatmate a simple question.
You: Donald, the bins are overflowing again – are you going to take them out?
Donald: You know what? Bins are great. Bins are what this house relies upon to stay clean and tidy, and I agree with you that something really needs to change here. We need to make this kitchen great again. Hell – we need to make this flat great again. We need to get these bins sorted out right now, and it is my top priority as a proud resident of this flat and an American to see that this happens. You know who hasn’t taken out the bin out for a really long time? [Insert different flatmate’s name here]. It’s a disgrace. It’s disgusting and I’m sick of it. It’s about time they started pulling their weight around here – you can be sure that if it were me, we wouldn’t be having this problem.”
Gosh darn it Donald, a yes or no would suffice.
3. You’re Always Wrong (Even When You Are Not)
Some people just can’t concede – and Donald Trump seems to be one of those people. He’d be the sort of flatmate who insists that you got the bills wrong this month (when you didn’t) and refuse to admit his error even when it becomes blindingly obvious that he is wrong and then it would just be awkward for everyone.
4. Obnoxiously Rich
Now don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against rich people; but rich people who insist on rubbing their vast wealth in your face all the time? That’s a different story. Donald would be the kind of flatmate who would remind you constantly that he doesn’t need a student loan to get through uni; he’d be that guy who always wants to go out to eat at expensive restaurants and then gets annoyed and mocks everyone else because they can’t afford it.
Donald would definitely be the sort of guy who would tell his female flatmates to ‘calm down’ and ‘make him a sandwich’ should any disagreements arise, or ask them if it was their ‘time of the month’; and if they called him out on his douchebaggery, he’d probably call them ugly and fat.
He’d be the sort of guy who would always have the nastiest, filthiest things to say about women and boast about numerous (but questionable and probably greatly exaggerated) sexual conquests despite closely resembling a (quote) “clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy”.
6. Building Walls
As mentioned in point 1, Donald seems rather keen on building walls. We imagine that this method of diplomacy would extend to all matters of dispute in the flat. Donald getting annoyed that people keep using his mug? Build a wall around it. Donald getting annoyed that people keep going into his room? Build an (extra) wall around it. Donald getting annoyed that people are putting their stuff on his shelf in the fridge? Build a wall around it. Donald getting annoyed that people are using his shower-gel and toiletries? You get the idea… It’s amazing how many everyday issues can be solved by building walls.
7. Lying and Exaggeration
You can be sure that if anything goes wrong in the flat, Donald will be the guy who has an ‘extremely credible source’ who he says will back up that he had nothing to do with it and that someone else is definitely 100% responsible.
8. Can be Expected to Spout Nonsense Regularly
Have you ever known someone who just comes out with the most ridiculous ideas and concepts? (And not in a good way either.) Donald would be the kind of flatmate who could be relied upon to throw in his two cents on every issue whether he knows anything about it or not.
9. Dishonest Opportunist
Donald has been fairly open about some dubious business dealings in the past and admits screwing people over. He would probably be the kind of housemate who secretly rents your room out if you’re away for the weekend/holidays and keeps all the money, or secretly uses all your milk and then charges you to use some of his.
10. He Would Probably Leave Lights ON all the time
Because apparently, global warming isn’t a thing and environmentally friendly light bulbs cause cancer.
And even if your primary motivation for keeping lights and appliances off is more to do with saving money on bills than saving the environment, dear old Don wouldn’t care – he’s really rich, remember?